5 “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
1 John 1: 5-7 NIV
6min read
Anger, can be my default setting. It was the behaviour I would easily go back to, over and over again, and it became an idol in my life. For me, it is like kryptonite. And around 2 years ago, the scales fell from my eyes. I saw the damage that this negative behaviour was having on my relationship with my daughter, and in my marriage. It was ugly, and the excuses that kept me bound were evident.
The thing that caused a shift, was the fact that I became aware of how much I hated it in my life, and how much I didn’t want to be this way anymore. It was consuming me. It wasn’t something I was in control of, it was in control of me. And around 2 years ago, I built up the courage to speak to my husband about it. And as I was sitting there with tears in my eyes, I said the words to him ‘I just don’t want to be this way anymore’…… I wanted to love my daughter well, I wanted to love my husband well, I just didn’t know how.
I believe it was through the act of surrender from this filthy behaviour, that caused God’s hand to move in my life. Scriptures in the Bible would jump out at me, speaking to my heart about why this behaviour was causing me to stumble. People would declare words over me, that would hit me like a tone of bricks. And I became aware of my fragility, to easily be drawn back to a place I did not want to be. Frustrated, angry, and self-righteousness in my thinking.
It came from a place of insecurity. I didn’t understand my worth and how much I was loved. I was seeking to find a place of self-image, self-worth and self. It came down to what others thought of me when I was around them. And after a catch up with a group of friends for dinner at the beginning of 2024, I remember the words coming to my mind ‘Where is your worth, Nadia?’
Prior to these moments, my worth was in what others thought of me. My worth was in the things I held on to. The offence, the bitterness, the frustration. Because I believed I was in control, when I was holding on to those self-validating feelings. My worth was in what I wore, what I said, how I sounded a certain way, who recognised me, and how I would talk about myself. My house, and the things I owned. How perfect my daughter was in front of others, and the compliments people would give me. How I was perceived in front of those around me. It was all a security blanket. Because when I didn’t receive those compliments, when I didn’t receive validation for my actions, I felt like I was lacking.
Then as I searched the Bible, I became aware of God’s free gift of salvation. That Jesus died on the cross for me. He gave up His life for me. He was beaten, spit on, tortured and whipped, the whips tearing the skin off his bare body (take a moment here to understand the magnitude of what Jesus did for all of us, whether we believe or not. What would you endure for a loved one?). He did this for me and you, so that He could shower us with His love. My worth is not in what others think of me, my worth is in Jesus. He paid the price for me, to live a life that is honouring to His name. He washed away my sin, through His bloodshed and sacrifice on the cross. He choose to give up His life for me.
16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
John 3: 16-17 NIV
Why are we so easily swayed in questioning our worth? Because the enemy wants us to be convinced that God did not create us for a purpose. That we are not what God says about us. And instead it is swayed by a day to day feeling, which is determined by ourselves and others around us, instead of being stable and grounded in the truth of God’s word about us.
11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”
Jeremiah 29: 11-14 NIV
The world will tell us that our worth is in what we own, what others think about us, what we say about ourselves. That we are not enough without the latest car, nicest home, newest phone or fanciest watch. So it is hard to truly believe what God says about us. But the thing is, God loves us without all these things. Because in a world that says we need all these things to be something, God says we need none of it to be someone, a Child of God.
And when I look back at those moments of surrender, God was inviting me to remove this idol of anger in my life. He was inviting me to find freedom in Him, and cast out the things that were holding me back from the freedom that He desired for me. Let the power of Jesus transform your life. Because you are worthy, He makes you worthy. And though I stumble, God’s loving arms are there ready to cradle me and invite me back onto the narrow path that He has set before me. Anger is no longer who I am. My worth is in Jesus.
What is the idol that you worship? Is it pornography, sex outside of God’s design, gossip, comparison, alcohol, drugs, self-pity, self-image, food, money, laziness, pride…. What is holding you back? Your identity is not in these things. It’s in the fact that Jesus died for you. Let Him pour out His Spirit onto you and give you the power to overcome all things, through His name.
Nadia x
All for His Glory.